Orbywan Advises
"Selflessly responding to the obvious need for sound, reasonable, reliable advice on the web..."
Dear Orby,
What's the difference between a duck?
Signed,
Uncle Fud
Dear Uncle Fud,
One of it's feet are both alike.
Signed,
Dear Orby
Dear Orby,
Do you walk to school or carry your lunch?
Signed,
B & C
Dear B & C,
I was never caught packing at school.
Signed,
Dear Orby
Dear Orby,
Why don't you update your site more often?? Those of us less
fortunate people crave your endless wisdom and funny stuff.
-Cuz Lestat
Dear -Cuz Lestat,
Excellent question! I guess it's just because I'm so damn humble. Constant blatant displays of endless wisdom and funny stuff can be demoralizing to those of you less fortunate people. So... if you read something here which seems less than endlessly wise or doesn't seem like especially funny stuff, keep in mind that I do that on purpose (along with infrequent updates) so as not to needlessly depress you and your less fortunate brethren.
Signed,
Dear Orby
Dear Orby,
how can a poor college student like me make some money... i know how to make
web pages if that helps....
thanx
jon
Dear Jon,
Although it breaks my heart, I must tell you now that I love another... wait... sorry... I never wrote a "Dear Jon" letter before...
Have you considered selling dope? Blood? Dancing naked for strangers? Counterfeiting? Extortion? B&E? Jon, my friend, you're young and the world is just waiting for you to make your mark (gash/stain/etc.) on it. There are a million ways to get a little pocket money while going to school full time (and lots that don't even require a real gun). Unfortunately, knowing how to make web pages won't help you much at all unless you have other IT skills, in which case, you should reconsider your life plan anyway (unless you won't graduate until after 2000).
Signed,
Dear Orby
Dear Orby,
Thank you.
I am going to rip you off so bad... Well the concept anyway.... Now I know what I want to do with MY Web page. Read a G.C. quote and decided I needed to read some more and one thing lead to another and I have been floundering around in your f{bleep}cking website for about 2 and a half hours. I laughed so hard at the "had sex with a parrot" joke my kids think I need to be committed.
Thanks again,
Pete Daggett
Dear Pete,
No; thank YOU.
"...I have been floundering around in your f{bleep}cking website for about 2 and a half hours" is about the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Signed,
Dear Orby
Dear Orby,
I have had sex with a few guys. I have not popped my cherrie yet. Is there
something wrong with me? I love the feeling of a {naughty bit} in my {perfectly normal body part, but censored due to lurid images invoked in readers brain pan when associated with aforementioned naught bit}. Is that
gross?
Confused
Dear Confused,
Well, Joyce Starcher; oops; well, confused, you may want to have your or your partner's anatomy checked. There just might be something wrong with one of you, As to your loving the feeling of a {censored}, that's not gross at all, as long as the {censored} isn't too grungy and you've brushed your teeth in the past few days.
Always glad to help.
Signed,
Dear Orby
Dear Orby, Dear Orby...
Why are beehives never round?
Dear ....,
Well, bee-ing as how I'm so bad da beez don't buzz, this one's right up my alley. First off, didja ever look up close at a bee's eyeball? Me neither, but I bet it's one of those multi-faceted things like some insect I saw on Bill Nye the Science Guy one time. I'm sure they get terrific headaches all the time just trying to make the proverbial bee-line back home. Just imagine the eye-strain involved in a speherical hive-forming endeavor. And they have lots and lots of little arms so I'm sure they get all tangled up when they try to work with their hands. So all things considered... wait a minute... do bees make hives? Or do beekeepers make hives that bees make honeycombs in? I'm getting some kind of itchy rash all over me. Could it bee hives?
Next question, please.
Signed,
Dear Orby
Dear Orby Dear Orby,
Why does the President of the United States (a sitting President, currently serving in a Presidential capacity) have to testify in court to defend himself against accusations of improper conduct (key word here, accusations)
..........while a professional basketball player can physically hurl another human being through a plate glass window, stand over his victim and say 'You don't respect me, I hope your are hurt.' then have his trial postponed until *after* his basketball season is complete and it is more *convenient* for him to deal with such matters????
Why is that Orby Wan?
Signed,
Little Johnny Duckfeet
Dear Little Johnny,
The sad but fairly obvious answer to your question is that Charles Barkley's presence on the court is more important to the NBA and the Houston Rockets than Bill Clinton's presence at his post is to whoever the f%ck actually allowed Starr to proceed. (I should know the name of the individual I'm cursing, but hey, this is a pretty amatuer column. Surely you've realized that by now.)
Maybe , if a 'friend' of the guy who was pitched through the window had taped several phone conversations after the fact, and then, after arranging a book deal, had submitted them to ...uh...maybe Ralph Nader, THEN we would've got the round mound of rebound into some serious trouble right now. Of course, for the analogy to work a little better, the 'friend' would have to be employed by the Dallas Mavericks or even a team that atually competes with the Rockets.
Signed,
Dear Orby
Dear Orby Dear Orby,
If George Carlin did a classic bit in a forest and there were no one around to hear it, would it still be funny? (This is a trick question since I already laughed at the obvious answer.)
Signed,
Congolia Breckenridge
under the specific orders of that
handsome Mr. Gland
Dear Congolia,
The obvious answer isn't so obvious anymore. The last time I saw ol' George, he was shilling for one of those 10-10-555 long distance thingies. It wasn't funny.
Signed,
Dear Orby
Dear Orby Dear Orby,
I was just going to tell you that I really like your web page. The Superman in the bar joke is great. And I laughed for about 20 minutes at the "sex with a parrot" joke. And to top it off, the joke where the girl says "get your hands off me, don't touch me there, that makes me uncomfortable..." (or something along those lines, well that stuff was funny. Just a suggestion, how about some more 'Drangon Fly' buttons!!??
Thanks for making me laugh.
Signed,
Dan The Man, Standing On The Beach Watching The Ocean Burry The Sand.
Dear Dantheman,
I'm glad you had a good time at the funny stuff. The DragonFly is a strange and mysterious creature (she'd be the first to tell you). The Orb has no control over Dragnfly submissions. I post most everything I get sooner or later becuase I like her sense of humor too.
Signed,
Dear Orby
