Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients
Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.
"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world," Clinton said.
"Today, the United States must finally stand up and say 'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavour."
The deployment, dubbed "Operation Vowel Storm" by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients.
Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities. Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels.
"My God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said.
"I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please send my poor, wretched family just one 'E.' Please." Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: " With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream."
The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L's, S's and T's. The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast quantities of the letters were intercepted and horded by violent, gun-toting warlords.
Dilberted
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the
experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've
been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth
time this week."
Link Rot
The process by which links on a web page become obsolete as
the sites they're connected to change location or die.
Chip Jewelry
A euphanism for old computers destined to be scrapped or turned
into decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand for that Mac SE,
and now it's nothing but chip jewelry."
Crapplet
A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted
30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"
Plug-and-Play
A new hire who doesn't need any training. "The new guy, John, is
great. He's totally plug-and-play."
World Wide Wait
The real meaning of WWW.
CGI Joe
A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and
charisma of a plastic action figure.
Dorito Syndrome
Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive
substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours
surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito
Syndrome."
Under Mouse Arrest
Getting busted for violating an online service's rule of conduct.
"Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."
Glazing
Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular
pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he
notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?"
404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web message
"404, URL Not Found," meaning that the document you've tried
to access can't be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man."
Dead Tree Edition
The paper version of a publication available in both paper and
electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San
Francisco Chronicle..."
Egosurfing
Scanning the net, databases, print media, or research papers
looking for the mention of your name.
Graybar Land
The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's
processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar
creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed
like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."
Open-Collar Workers
People who work at home or telecommute.
Squirt The Bird
To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are
ready...what time do we squirt the bird?"
Brain Fart
A biproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly.
A burst of useful information. "I know you're busy on the
Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik
bust?" Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative
connotations.
Cobweb Site
A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long time.
A dead web page.
It's a Feature
From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically
to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.
Keyboard Plaque
The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer
keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has
a bad case of keyboard plaque."
Career-Limiting Move (CLM)
Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity.
Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious
CLM.
Elvis Year
The peak year of something's popularity. "Barney the dinosaur's
Elvis year was 1993."
Alpha Geek
The most knowledgable, technically proficient person in an office
or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."
Adminisphere
The rarified organizational layers beginning just above the rank
and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to solve.
Tourists
People who are taking training classes just to get a vacation from
their jobs. "We had about three serious students in the class; the
rest were tourists."
Blowing Your Buffer
Losing one's train of thought. Occurs when the person you are
speaking with won't let you get a word in edgewise or has just
said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. "Damn,
I just blew my buffer!"
Gray Matter
Older, experienced business people hired by young entrpreneurial
firms looking to appear more reputable and established.
Bookmark
To take note of a person for future reference (a metaphor
borrowed from web browsers). "I bookmarked him after seeing
his cool demo at Siggraph."
Nyetscape
Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser.
Beepilepsy
The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go
off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical
spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in
mid-sentence.
Salmon Day
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
only to get screwed in the end.
********************************
Arlene H. Rinaldi - Academic/Institutional Support Services
Florida Atlantic University, Boca Raton, FL - RINALDI@ACC.FAU.EDU
CWIS Coordinator & End User Services (Education/Training)
http://www.fau.edu/rinaldi/arlene.html
======
Oxymoron:political ethics ......-David DeRosa, Sophomore, University of Dayton
======
..gleaned from contributions by FarrierP
My favorite bumper sticker:
"186,000 miles per second, not just a good idea, it's the law"
"What if there were no hypothetical questions?"
People - "Two kinds of people in this world. There's the kind that categorize people and the kind that don't."
======
This is UBEM...I was unable to determine the original author...
I've been informed by 'The Gunslinger' that this is vintage Dave Berry...seems obvious now.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . ..February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a damn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a damn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their .... . .
''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.
''What?'' says Roger, startled.
''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . Oh God, I feel so . .... . ''
(She breaks down, sobbing.)
''What?'' says Roger.
''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''
''There's no horse?'' says Roger.
''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.
''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
''Yes,'' he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.
''What way?'' says Roger.
''That way about time,'' says Elaine.
''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.
''Thank you,'' says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:
''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?'
======
ACTUAL BUMPER STICKERS SEEN ON THE HIGHWAYS:
---------------------------------------------
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"
"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"
"Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt"
"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is Like the IRS."
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"
"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
"Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"
"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal ! "
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles."
"Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off."
EARTH FIRST, we'll mine the other planets later
======
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
======
From: Buzzerman@aol.com
Did you hear about the gay midget? he came out of the cupboard
======
From: "Joe Chrzanowski" Joe_Chrz@msn.com
7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Why do they have locks on the doors? Who has the key?
Why do they have braille on drive up ATMs?
======
A dragonfly sent in these GREAT excerpts from it's button collection. Said I'd get a few more someday. I'm hoping....
* I have no problem with God, it's his fan club I can't stand.
* Nothing right in my left brain, nothing left in my right brain!
* I lost my virginity but I still have the box it came in.
* Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you can get rid of him for a whole weekend!
* So many cats - so few recipes.
* Dogs think they're people, cats think they're God.
* I am NOT in denial.
* Ask me about my vow of silence.
======
From: manay@bluewin.ch
religion is opium
capital is cocaine
======
From: "Dennis R. Freeman"
DISLEXICS OF THE WORLD: UNTIE ======
From: Mary Ann
Bumper sticker:
Buttons: ======
From: Dan (not even in the same galaxy as politically correct, or NEITSGAPC for short) Wagoner
Hire the Handicapped, they're fun to watch. ======
Dragonfly has returned with some more buttons! Many thanks to my little wing-ed friend. ======
...more 'flyspecks...(little sideways smiley face)
(ba-DA-bomp)
Without comment, he moves on to the next one and again asks, "How much is two times two?" The patient replies, "That would be Friday!"
"How much is two times two?" he asked the third. "Four!" he replies.
"Excellent," the encouraged medic says, "Can you tell me how you arrived at that figure?"
"Simple," the beaming fellow explained. "I just divided 5000 into Friday!"
(ba-DA-bomp)
DD: Refer to their clients as "users".
DD: "The first one's free!"
DD: Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff).
DD: Strange jargon-"Stick," "Rock," "Dime bag," "E".
DD: Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
DD: Job is assisted by the industry's producing newer, more potent mixes.
DD: Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers.
DD: Their product causes unhealthy addictions.
DD: Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you. ======
... even more 'fly-isms... Dragn's gonna make her own website someday...I'll probably hafta go steal these then. ======
The trouble with life is that you are halfway through it before you
realize it's a "do it yourself" thing. ======
There was an old man riding the bus when a young punk rocker
with long tri-colored hair, nose rings, etc., boarded the bus
and sat across from him. The old man was staring very hard at
the youngster, so the youngster said, "Hey old man, why are you
staring at me, didn't you ever do anything outrageous when you
were young?"
The old man replied "Yes I did. When I was young, I was in the
islands and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you
were my kid." ======
from Norm Peterson ..."Women,....can't live with'em.......pass the beer nuts."
====== ..even more fly-isms...
A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque blondewalked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband, and walked off.
"Who was that?" the wife demanded.
"If you must know," the husband replied, "that was my mistress."
"Your mistress? That's it! I want a divorce!" the wife fumed.
The husband looked her straight in the eye and said, "Are you sure you want to give up our big house in the suburbs, your Mercedes, your furs, your jewelry, and our vacation home in Mexico?"
For a long time they continued dining in silence. Finally, the woman nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?"
"That's HIS mistress," her husband replied.
"Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is much cuter."
======
Education : What you get when you read the small print ======
This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar next to another guy.
"This is a nice place, I've never been here", the first guy says.
"Oh really?", the other replies, "it's also a very special bar".
"Why is that?", the first guy asks.
"Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."
Gee, that's amazing!", the first guy says.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."
"No way, that's impossible", the first guy replies.
"Not at all, take a look", the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
"See, it's fun. You should try it", he says.
"Try it, I don't even believe I saw it!", the first man shouts. "It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again".
And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
"Give it a try, it's a blast", he says.
"Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try", the first man says and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10...20...30...40...50...60...70...80...90..100 feet and splat! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink.
The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk".
====== ...dragonfly's little sister-isms...
Found on Bathroom Walls
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
Beauty is only a light switch away.
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of
putting up with her crap.
To do is to be. -Descartes
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Make love, not war. --Heck, do both, get married!
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
======
From: Cynda Davidson
Oxymoron: ======
Until I tell you otherwise, these are from my little fly-friend
A North Carolina man, having bought several expensive cigars, insured them against... get this... fire.
After he had smoked them, he then decided that he had a claim against the insurance company and filed.
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigar normally. The man sued.
The judge stated that since the company had insured the cigars against fire, they were obligated to pay.
After the man accepted payment for his claim, the company then had him arrested... for arson.
======
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
======
Why the chicken crossed the road?
We asked several well-known individuals for an explanation...
_____________________________________________________________
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the
road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time,
whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken "crossed" the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
TYSON: I dunno, but that ear sure tastes like CHICKEN!
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road; it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
======
Bill Gates talking to his lawyers -
You spent $150 million on what? I told you "SNAPPLE!"
======
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" ======
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
======
A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the sailor. "What about your hook?"
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "How did you get the eyepatch?"
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked increduously.
"Well...", said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook."
======
MICROSOFT TV DINNER PRODUCT INSERT
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: \mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the diner exactly to your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter: ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap.
This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
======
The Computer Hillbillies
Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey.
Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Y'all come back now... ya hear'
======
Stook-man says...
A Protestant Christian lived in a predominantly Catholic neighborhood
and every Friday, he would have juicy steaks barbequing in backyard.
The aroma would float in the air and greatly tempt the Catholics (who
were prohibited to consume red meat on Fridays) in the surrounding
houses. They got together and vowed to convert the Protestant to their
faith.
After several months, they succeeded and on his Baptism Day, the priest
sprinkled Holy Water on his head and baptised him, "You were born a
Protestant, you were raised a Protestant, now you are a Catholic."
But the very next Friday, the man was again at his pit barbequing the
most delicious and aromatic steaks. As the neighbors were going over
to chastise him for his great sin, they saw him sprinkling some water
over the steak and saying, "You were born a steak, you were raised a
steak, now you are a fish."
======
Fly-pond(erables)
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? ====== You just can't imagine how terrible the timing was on this one....but it's a good joke (from Dragonfly)
A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.
"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.
"10.." says the doctor.
"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.
"10...9...8...7..."
====== Stookman was feeling lyrical...
If the Beatles were Programmers...
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Write in C ("Let it Be")
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Something ====== This from a savage angel?
Sign on door: ====== D.Fly
Q What's A yankee?
Q Why do rednecks go to family reunions?
Did you hear about the new senior-citizen inflatable doll? ====== 'member the binkmeister?...
If you support sadism, bestiality and necrophilia, are you flogging a dead horse?
====== Shannon and Jenna thought I might enjoy this...(I did)
I was arrested on Saturday and as the handcuffs were put around my wrists the police officer said "You have the right to remain silent, anything you do or say can and will be used iin a court of law..."
So I said, "Stop kissing me. Stop touching me there. Don't do that, it makes me feel uncomfortable."
====== from Dee Fly
It's funny because it's true:
A Japanese company and a California company decided to have a canoe race on the Columbia river. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
Afterwards, the California team became very discouraged and depressed. The management of the California company decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Measurement Team," made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was that the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the Californians had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.
So the management of the California company hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.
To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program."
The next year the Japanese won by 2 miles. Humiliated, the management of the California company laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they used the money saved by giving a High Performance Award to the steering managers and distributed the rest of the money as bonuses to the senior executives.
======
Two men walk into a bar, the third one ducks. --Adam Fisher
======
...from Rick Godzwa ======
...from Rick's better half ======
...Belated Halloween humor from ol' Ewebee ======
An Unusual Version of Etymology
======
From Uncle Tom's real nice house in Dripping Springs...
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it must be in there somewhere and that he would look for it. The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, ======
Question: Do circus bears ever hibernate? -Don Boroughs of Taylors, SC ====== A couple more from our favorite fly...
The coldest air of the season is now entering the United States. As a public service, I am providing the following temperature table to show you the effects of and help you deal with the impending arctic blast. ======
A List of Abbreviations in the "WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds ======
Spice is the variety of food.-- Justin McAdam ======
Thank goodness for Dragnflies... ======
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out. ======
* one tequila, two tequila , three tequila , floor ======
Bink -ioms... ======
Kids' View: "Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned" ======
The Year 2K Song ======
Flyspecks!... ======
D fly's mother's kinda humor... ======
D fly sent this'n too. I love this kinda humor...... ======
Mo' fly-ism's. ======
Estrogen Found In Beer ======
Words of wisdom from blackpolarbear... ======
Some very shrewd definitions from Da fly ======
Forworded to us from Uncle Binkman... ======
Bink Blinks ======
From Mr.Scott: ======
DuhFly ======
DuhFly ======
This is a true story from the Word Perfect helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring in the customer care department. Needless to say the helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause". ======
I'm tired. ======
There Are Five Kinds of Sex: ======
Three Labrador retrievers - a brown, yellow and black - are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?" ======
99 little bugs in the code ======
I was driving the other day and came up on a VW Beetle with a license plate reading 'BOBS MG'. I was able to pull up beside him at the next light so I said, "Hey, that's not an MG." ======
"Worry about your own damn family"
"If sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it the wrong way"
"You only look big because I'm on my knees"
* Erotic is using a feather....Kinky is using the whole chicken!
* You'll need to know my name....you'll be screaming it later!
* The Ku Klux Klan has a shitty basketball team!
* If you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back, call them up later when you're drunk!
* A male gynecologist is like a mechanic who's never owned a car.
* Rock is dead. Long live paper and sissors!
* Some drink at the fountain of knowledge......others just gargle!
* I always take life with a grain of salt....plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila!
* If women like it, it's erotica. If men like it, it's pornography.
* It's a sick world and I feel fine!
* Why does the government have a "deficit", and I have "bad credit"?
* All men are created equal....some just stick out more!
* I live in another dimension, but I have a summer home in reality.
* Better a receding hairline than an advancing one!
* Thou shalt not commit adulthood.
Something new: " Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. "
*A psychologist is evaluating three new patients at a mental hospital. He asks the first one, "How much is two times two?" and the man replies, "five thousand!"
Drug Dealers and Software Engineers - a Comparison
DD=Drug dealers, SD=Software developers
SD: Refer to their clients as "users".
SD: "Download a free trial version..."
SD: Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code).
SD: Strange jargon-"SCSI," "RTFM," "Java," "ISDN".
SD: Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
SD: Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, faster machines.
SD: Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists.
SD: DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D= 'Nuff said.
SD: Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!
* I won't fake an orgasm.....but I will fake housework.
* Prozac.....cause sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't!
* Imagine what life will be like when these are the good old days.
* Growing old is mandatory.....growing up is optional.
* Is it time for your medication or mine?
* They're spying on us through the ozone hole......
* I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
* I can't see the forest for the damn stumps.
* A dozen condoms is cheaper than a dozen diapers.
* Vegetarian....an Indian word for "lousy hunter".
Experience: What you get from not reading it
-Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
-Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina.
-Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.
-Armand's Pizza. Washington, D.C.
-Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.
-The Irish Times. Washington, D.C.
-Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
-Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona.
-Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.
-Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
-Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.
-Revolution Books. New York, New York.
Microsoft works
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."
Windows, that is... PC's... Workstations...
The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here".
They said "California is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought some donuts and he moved to Silicon Valley.
Intel, that is... Pentium ... big amusement park...
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"
OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory...
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"
Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life...
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64.
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.
Laid off, that is... de-briefed... unemployed...
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start your own firm,
Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.
Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...
Dead men tell no lies - but neither do mimes.
I don't think so, therefore I'm probably not.
The "c" in "rap" is silent.
What did Grace do that made her so amazing
Power corrupts, but absolute power is kind of neat.
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
I've gotta be me. Everyone else was already taken.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
A career is a job that has just gone on too long.
Lock up your grandmothers! The Stones are touring again.
...this is what they might write:
Eleanor Rigby
-------------
Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
Isn't it fun?
Look at him working,
Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;
It takes a while...
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Eleanor Rigby
Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
Feels like a jerk.
Guru MacKenzie
Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;
Nothing will load.
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Unix Man ("Nowhere Man")
--------
He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans
For nobody.
Knows the blocksize from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you
And me?
UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin'
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.
He's as wise as he can be
Uses lex and yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me At all?
UNIX Man, don't worry
Test with time(1), don't hurry UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.
He's a real UNIX Man Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX .plans For nobody ...
Making all his UNIX .plans For nobody.
------------------------
When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."
As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.
If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer.
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.
---------
Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm's logic!
Something in the way it coredumps...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this problem somehow
Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer's got to be corrupted.
Stepping in the debugger will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'm too close to leave it now
You're asking me can this code go?
I don't know, I don't know...
What sequence causes it to blow?
I don't know, I don't know...
Something in the initializing code?
And all I have to do is think of it!
Something in the listing will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this tonight I vow!
Taxidermist and veterinarian
Either way you get your dog back.
A Same as a quickie, only you do it yourself.
A To meet chicks.
Its the same as the regular one, but you only blow it up half way.
When Groucho Marx was asked if he'd seen the movie "Samson and Delilah" starring Victor Mature and Hedy Lamarr, he answered: "No, I make it a rule not to see any movie where the man's tits are bigger than the woman's.
Did you hear about the guy who was half-Polish and half-Italian?
He made himself an offer he couldn't understand.
Yeah, I know these types of jokes aren't politically
correct--but my husband told me this one--and he's half-Italian, half-Polish.
Francine
A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice looking woman he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him, and being a rather seductive woman herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new "action". She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behavior. She was sitting up reading
when he came in, and she asked him what he had done. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you...the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one hell of a time!"
The 'Car Talk' show (on NPR) with Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers have a feature called the 'Puzzler', and their most recent 'Puzzler' was about the Battle of Agincourt. The French, who were overwhelmingly favored to win the battle, threatened to cut a certain body part off of all captured English soldiers so that they could never fight again. The English won in a major upset and waved the body part in question at the French in defiance.
The puzzler was: What was this body part?
This is the answer submitted by a listener:
Dear Click and Clack,
Thank you for the Agincourt 'Puzzler', which clears up some profound questions of etymology, folklore and emotional symbolism. The body part which the French proposed to cut off of the English after defeating them was, of course, the middle finger, without which it is impossible to draw the renowned English 20 longbow. This famous weapon was made of the native English yew tree, and so the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking yew". Thus, when the 20 victorious English waved their middle fingers at the defeated French, they said, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"
Over the years some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'f', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter. It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the
arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".
And yew all thought yew knew everything!
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
(degrees Fahrenheit / Celsius)
+50 / +10
* New York tenants turn on the heat
* Wisconsinites plant gardens
+40 / +4
* Californians shiver uncontrollably
* Wisconsinites sunbathe
+35 / +2
* Italian cars don't start
+32 / 0
* Distilled water freezes
+30 / -1
* You can see your breath
* You plan a vacation in Florida
* Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
* Wisconsinites eat ice cream
+25 / -4
* Boston water freezes
* Californians weep pitiably
* Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you
+20 / -7
* Cleveland water freezes
* San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA
* Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts
+15 / -10
* You plan a vacation in Acapulco
* Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
* Wisconsinites go swimming
+10 / -12
* Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
* Too cold to snow
* You need jumper cables to get the car going
0 / -18
* New York landlords turn on the heat
* Sheboygan brats grilled on the patio, yum!
-5 / -21
* You can hear your breath
* You plan a vacation in Hawaii
-10 / -23
* American cars don't start
* Too cold to skate
-15 / -26
* You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
* Miamians cease to exist
* Wisconsinites lick flagpoles
-20 / -29
* Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
* Politicians actually do something about the homeless
* People in Green Bay think about taking down screens
-25 / -32
* Too cold to kiss
* You need jumper cables to get the driver going
* Japanese cars don't start
* Milwaukee Brewers head for spring training
-30 / -34
* You plan a two-week hot bath
* Pilsener freezes
* Bock beer production begins
* Wisconsinites shovel snow off roof
-38 / -39
* Mercury freezes
* Too cold to think
* Wisconsinites button top button
-40 / -40
* Californians disappear
* Car insists on sleeping in your bed with you
* Wisconsinites put on sweaters
-50 / -46
* Congressional hot air freezes
* Alaskans close the bathroom window
* Green Bay Packers practice indoors
-60 / -51
* Walruses abandon Aleutians
* Sign on Mount St. Helens: "Closed for the Season"
* Wisconsinites put gloves away, take out mittens
* Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby
-70 / -57
* Glaciers in Central Park
* Hudson residents replace diving boards with hockey nets
* Green Bay snowmobilers organize trans-lake race to Sault Ste. Marie
-80 / -62
* Polar bears abandon Baffin Island
* Rhinelander Birkebeiner
* Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby
-90 / -68
* Edge of Antarctica reaches Rio de Janeiro
* Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles
* Minnesotans migrate to Wisconsin thinking it MUST be warmer
-100 / -73
* Santa Claus abandons North Pole
* Wisconsinites pull down earflaps
-173 / -114
* Ethyl alcohol freezes
* Only Door County cherries usable in brandy Manhattans
-297 / -183
* Oxygen precipitates out of atmosphere
* Microbial life survives only on dairy products
-445 / -265
* Superconductivity
-452 / -269
* Helium becomes a liquid
-454 / -270
* Hell freezes over
* Chicago Cubs win world series
-456 / -271
* Texas drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-35
-458 / -272
* Incumbent politicians renounce campaign contributions
-460 / -273 (Absolute Zero)
* All atomic motion ceases
* Wisconsinites admit it's getting a mite nippy
--------------------------------------------------------------
CODE WORD...............MEANS
-----------------------------
40-ish..................48
Adventurer..............Has had more partners than you ever will
Affectionate............Possessive
Artist..................Unreliable
Athletic................Flat-chested
Average looking.........Ugly
Beautiful...............Pathological liar
Commitment-minded.......Pick out curtains, now!
Communication important.Just try to get a word in edge-wise
Contagious Smile........Bring your penicillin
Educated................College dropout
Emotionally Secure......Medicated
Employed................Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
Enjoys art and opera....Snob
Enjoys Nature...........Bring your own granola
Exotic Beauty...........Would frighten a Martian
Feminist................Fat; ball buster
Financially Secure......One paycheck from the street
Free spirit.............Substance user
Friendship first........Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun.....................Annoying
Gentle..................Comatose
Good Listener...........Borderline Autistic
Humorous................Caustic
Intuitive...............Your opinion doesn't count
In Transition...........Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills
Light drinker...........Lush
Looks younger...........If viewed from far away in bad light
Loves Travel............If you're paying
Loves Animals...........Cat lady
Mature..................Won't let you treat her like farm animal in bed (like last boyfriend)
New-Age.................All body hair, all the time
Non-traditional.........Ex-husband lives in the basement
Old-fashioned...........Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded.............Desperate
Outgoing................Loud
Passionate..............Loud
Petite..................Wouldn't stand out in a pack of Munchkins
Poet....................Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional............Bitch
Redhead.................Shops the Clairol section
Reliable................Frumpy
Reubenesque.............Grossly Fat
Romantic................Looks better by candle light
Self-employed...........Jobless
Smart...................Insipid
Special.................Rode the short schoolbus
Spiritual...............Involved with a cult
Stable..................Boring
Tall, thin..............Anorexic
Tan.....................Wrinkled
Voluptuous..............Very Fat
Weight proportional to height..................Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate..........One step away from stalking
Widow...................Nagged first husband to death
Writer..................Pompous
Young at heart..........Toothless crone
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Five reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
The egg mutters to no one in particular "I guess we answered THAT question."
Life's Little Axioms... .
1) Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
2) He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3) A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4) On the other hand, you have different fingers.
5) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6) Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
7) I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
8) When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
9) Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
10) Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
11) I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
12) He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
13) She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
14) You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
15) I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
16) Honk if you love peace and quiet.
17) Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
18) Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
19) Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
20) Atheism is a non-prophet organization..
* No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
* When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
* If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
* Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
* You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
* Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
* Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
* Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
* Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
* You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
* Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
* The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.
Two Digits for a Date
(to the tune of "Gilligan's Island.)
- Author Unknown
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
Of the doom that is our fate.
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date.
Two digits for a date.
Main memory was smaller then;
Hard disks were smaller, too.
"Four digits are extravagant,
So let's get by with two.
So let's get by with two."
"This works through 1999,"
The programmers did say.
"Unless we rewrite by then
It all will go away.
It all will go away."
But Management had not a clue:
"It works fine now, you bet!
A rewrite is a straight expense;
We won't do it just yet.
We won't do it just yet."
Now when 2000 rolls around
It all goes straight to hell,
For zero's less than ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell.
As anyone can tell.
The mail won't bring your pension check
It won't be sent to you
When you're no longer sixty-eight,
But minus thirty-two.
But minus thirty-two.
The problems we're about to face
Are frightening, for sure.
And reading every line of code's
The only certain cure.
The only certain cure.
There's not much time,
There's too much code.
And Cobol-coders, few
When the century is finished with,
We may be finished, too.
We may be finished, too.
Eight thousand years from now I hope
That things weren't left too late,
And people aren't then lamenting
Four digits for a date.
Four digits for a date.
WHAT WE HAVE LEARNED FROM THE MOVIES
-------------------------------------------------
Imagine you lived a remote life but had satelite television and were able to see movies all of the time. How misguided would your life be? Below are a few of the things that you would have learned.
1 .All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
2 If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while SCUBA diving.
5. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
6. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
9. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
10. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
11. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
12. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
13. When they are alone, all non-native English speakers prefer to speak English to each other.
14. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
15. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The wife says, "Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?"
He says, "I don't care. Just get the fuck out."
One day Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat talking. They get to talking about the old days and they decide to test their own powers. Moses goes first. He stands up in the boat and spreads his arms and the water parts around them and before they know it they're sitting on the bottom of the lake. He lowers his arms and the water returns to normal.
It's Jesus' turn now. He stands up and is about to step onto the water, but when he tries he sinks right to the bottom. When he finally crawls back in the boat, Moses asks him what happened.
Jesus replies, "I forgot about these damn holes in my feet."
She does not: GET PMS
She becomes: HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
She does not have: A KILLER BODY
She is: TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE
She is not: A BAD COOK
She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
She is not: A BAD DRIVER
She is: AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED
She is not a: PERFECT 10
She is: NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR
She is not: EASY
She is: HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
She does not: HATE SPORTS ON TV
She is: ATHLETICALLY BIASED
She does not have: SEXY LIPS
She is: COLLAGEN DEPENDENT
She does not get: DRUNK
She is: ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED
She is not: A GOSSIP
She is a: VERBAL TERMINATOR
She does not: WORK OUT TOO MUCH
She is an: ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER
She does not have: A GREAT BUTT
She is: GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS
She is not: HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS
She is: MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED
She is not: COLD OR FRIGID
She is: THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE
She does not: WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP
She is: COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED
She does not have: GREAT CLEAVAGE (A GREAT RACK)
Her breasts are: CENTRALLY LOCATED
She will never: GAIN WEIGHT
She will become: A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER
She is not: A SCREAMER OR MOANER
She is: VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE
She does not: SHAVE HER LEGS
She experiences: TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION
She does not have: A HARD BODY
She is: ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE
She does not: SUN BATHE
She experiences: SOLAR ENHANCEMENT
Her breast will never: SAG
They will: LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD
She does not: SHOP TOO MUCH
She is: OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS
She does not: CUT YOU OFF
She becomes: HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE
She does not have: BIG HAIR
She is: OVERLY AEROSOLED
She does not: SNORE
She is: NASALLY REPETITIVE
She does not: GET DRUNK
She becomes: VERBALLY DYSLEXIC
She does not have: BIG HOOTERS
Her: CUPS RUNNETH OVER
She is not: TOO SKINNY
She is: SKELETALLY PROMINENT
Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, couldn't think, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large crowds."
Definitions from the Cynic's Dictionary
---------------------------------------
ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION: Procreation without recreation.
BOOKCASE: A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles.
BULIMIA: Retched excess.
CHIC: Considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence.
CLIQUE: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides; a closed circle of asses.
CONSULTANT: A jobless person who shows executives how to work.
DENTURES: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music.
DNA: A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block of life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere.
ERUDITE: Exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in any business or romantic enterprise.
FIBER: Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood-pulp.
FUNERAL HOME: A stately manse occupied by transients who continually receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain them.
GENETIC ENGINEERING: Tampering with chromosomes so that science might develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo.
HIP: Smartly attuned to the latest cutting-edge clichés.
JOB: A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on a Monday morning.
LAWYER: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics.
LECHER: A stud with liver spots.
LOOTING: A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local merchants in the wake of a riot.
LOTTERY: The equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from Duluth, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Flemish.
MATH ANXIETY: An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph.
MUGGER: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their possession.
NEGOTIATING: The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money.
NEUROTIC: Sane but unhappy about it.
OBITUARY: A final summation of our lives that, for most of us, occupies about three inches of space in what will shortly become cage liner for your neighbor's parakeet.
POSITIVE THINKING: Self-improvement through self-deception.
QUALITY OF LIFE: What an industrialized nation is said to offer when enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress.
REVOLUTIONARY: An oppressed person waiting for the opportunity to become an oppressor.
SHALLOWNESS: The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local TV news broadcasts.
STAR: A performer who makes more than his or her agent. Also
SUPERSTAR: A performer who makes more than Guatemala.
STATE-OF-THE-ART: Soon-to-be-obsolete.
TABOO: Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes everyone in the group to gasp; e.g., cannibalism, public nudity, serving fried pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the question "How are you?" in the negative.
UNEMPLOYMENT: The usual alternative to overwork.
URINAL: The one place where all men are peers.
VIRGIN: A young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to the gods but who now merely lives in disgrace.
WAKE: 1. A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room.
2. What the mourners would be visibly startled to see the corpse do, especially those expecting a sizable inheritance.
X-CHROMOSOME: A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs.
ZOMBIE: A mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror movie fans and those in charge of the hiring at accounting firms.
Dear IS folks;
I received this note from my son. I think that is deserves some consideration.
Subject: Y2K Solution
To: Undisclosed recipients:
Corporate has defined a lower cost alternative for Mac to NT conversions that also addresses the Y2K (Year 2000) issue:
The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this:
1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
Thank you.
Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. What do I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it
'Sorry I missed church, I was too busy studying witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.'
Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.
Blamestorming - self explanatory
Seagull manager - flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits on everything, then leaves.
Salmon day - spending whole day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end. (similar to Hemmingway day where you kill yourself and everyone else dies in the end too). That last bit was my humble addition.
Chainsaw consultant - staff reducer, leaves the brass with clean hands.
CLM - career limiting move. Trashing your boss within earshot, etc.
Adminisphere - the rarified org layers just above the rank and file.
Decision that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Flight Risk - employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
Ohno second - That miniscule fraction of time in which you realize that you just screwed up big time.
Percussive Maintenance - (i loved this one) The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Umfriend - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dyan, my ... um .... friend."
Body Nazi - fanatic exerciser/weightlifters
Cube farm - An office filled with cubicles.
Idea Hamster - People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Mouse potato - Online answer to the couch potato.
Prairie dogging - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
farm and everyones head pops over the walls to see what's going on.
Stress puppy - one who thrives on stress and whining.
Swiped out - worn out magnetic strip on an ATM or credit card.
Tourists - People who take classes just to vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students and 2 tourists."
Treeware - hard copy/any printed material
Xerox subsidy - making copies at work for personal use
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Subject: State Mottos
Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less character
Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the " Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, Maybe Not, But The
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Poker!
New Jersey: You Want a f--kin' Motto? I Got Yer f--kin' Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States!
Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming: Wynot?
Subject: Life is backwards
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough. It takes a lot of your time.
What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus?
I think the cycle is all backwards. You should die first.
Get it out of the way. Then live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young. You get a gold watch.
You go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough
to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol. You party.
You get ready for high school. You go to grade school.
You become a kid. You play. You have no responsibilities.
You become a little baby. You go back into the womb.
You spend your last nine months floating
.... you finish off as an orgasm.
(Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:)
"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Wordperfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"....... Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too f*cking stupid to own a computer."
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 Million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
The first is Smurf Sex.
This happens during the honeymoon;
you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex.
This is at the beginning of the marriage;
you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex.
You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids,
so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
The fourth kind is Hallway Sex.
This is where you pass each other in the hallway
and say, "F*ck you!"
There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex.
This is when you get divorced
and your wife f*cks you in front of everyone in court.
The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything"
The back lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab says, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.
"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said. The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for.
I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself -- I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"
The black lab says,"No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
99 bugs in the code
Fix one bug, compile it again
101 little bugs in the code
(repeat until you reach 0)
The driver looked over and replied, "I'm not Bob."
