This page is kind of in the form of a yraid, which would be the opposite of a diary, seeing as how diaries are private and this isn't. So I've added this handy button. Feel free to use it to go straight to the goodies at the end of the page. Don't you wish more things had a button like this?
Naturally, I have BIG PLANS for this web-site. I may actually implement some of them some day. I'm gonna provide an area for personal info and such; gonna editorialize on whatever I feel like editorializing on at the moment; gonna have a world class humor page; gonna have a tribute to George Carlin (remember folks, mother's milk leads to heroin); gonna advertise my oldest son's band; gonna scan in pictures of my wife, kids, cat, and dog; gonna have the mother of all link-list pages; gonna figure out some way to get rich with this stuff; and much much more.
I just can't quite figure out what to do with this thing, now that I've got it. I've changed my mind about most of what I originally planned to put out here. I do actually have something in the funny pages now. My wife doesn't care for the idea of me scanning in her and my children's pictures; doesn't like the idea of Chester the Molester looking at their gifs and jpegs (not to mention their insies and outsies). Now that she's pointed that out to me, I agree. She says I can still do the cat and dog, but the thrill is gone. I can't do a proper tribute to George Carlin without some real foul language; if I have 'adult material', I have to declare it to the gods of Webcounter (see below). So if I'm on record with them as having obscene material and a republican wins the next election (fat chance), how long 'til somebody comes and hauls me off to the hoosegow? My oldest son doesn't want me putting the name of his band on here, because they are just local at this point, and he's afraid somebody would steal the name and make it big (It's a REALLY GREAT name). Everybody and his brother has the mother-of-all-link-pages, so I may as well just be content with my little embryonic one. I still haven't come up with a way to get filthy rich (or even slightly soiled) with this stuff. I don't really have a good editorial built up in me yet, but I would like to say this:
Ok. I WILL do something for George Carlin. I mean, one of the main reasons he deserves recognition is his contribution to free speech here in this country. But I just don't have it ready yet. I do add things to the 'Stuff I Find Funny' from time to time. Just so you know. According to the old clicker at the bottom of the page, there'd been sixty five visitors at this writing. Uncle Binky and I count for at least forty of them. Just so you know.
Added some links Had a few drinks Sometimes life stinks
Really; if it's not too much to ask, could you use that blue circle with the mailbox sticking out of it to drop me a quick line? Please? Just tell me how you got here. I promise not to mail you back unless you want me to. I know what you're thinking: 'Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor-Not a mailman', but the volume is shrinking already and I don't know where it came from.
In a very weak effort to commence to begin getting organized, I'm re-aiming the SRV link that's been seen lurking around here somewhere. If you want good music links, I'll tell you where to go. And I'll probably change it again. You want sports? Cool sports links are just a click away. If the name Bill Hicks means anything to you, then you don't need to visit quite as bad as those for whom it has no meaning.
There. Doesn't that seem more orderly?
P.S. I think WebCounter has gotten themselves confused with WebCrawler lately.
...go check this out. Whaddaya think about that?
On the other hand, hi-tech is hard to resist. Everybody needs a little slickditudesness from time to time. So...if you're feeling brave and you're not on a mac in Lexington, come with me as we BRANCH out hither and yon-ish.
On other fronts...heard from an old friend who skipped town a long time ago. He's doing well and thriving on the net, apparently. I believe he's the semi-grand poobah of employee recreation for the company.
If you love Stevie Ray Vaughan, you probably oughta be a flooder . I was fortunate enough to live in Austin back when Stevie and his brother ruled the club scene there. Actually, Jimmy was the bigger draw with the Fabulous Thunderbirds. Stevie was a little on the reckless side back then, and seemed to have trouble keeping the same folks together long enough to really gel. He's always been a favorite of mine whether he was with the Triple Threat Review or Double Trouble or just sneaking on stage with his bro. This is a bink link; I'd advise you to poke around the café while you're there. And I'da put this in here even if he didn't say nice things about me. Really. I would.
It's a wonderful life. Keep that attitude and you'll eventually come to realize that even maggots are our friends. It's true, but don't waste a lotta time thinking about it unless you just want to (it's an inside joke).
The Dayton Daily News published their list of "The Top Miami Valley Websites" and The Orb wasn't on it. Can you imagine that? As a matter of fact, I think most of the websites mentioned belonged to heavy advertisers. Probably just my imagination....
Times waits for no man....and Yahoo waits for no webjockey. The Yahoo link I put in the last entry, Uncle Binky's SRV pictures, is still featured on Yahoo, but is no longer the NEW thang at the top of the list. The link will still get you there though. Or, you can just go there through the front door (Cantrell Café).
Quakers...199.199.220.10 seems like a good place to hang these days. Oatmeal (the cereal killer) and Binkito (B2-judgement day) have done most of their dying there lately.
P.S. Dear Garrett {student@oven.ccds.charlotte.nc.us}, I am unable to mail you at the student oven...thanks for the note. Feedback is rare and positive feedback is even rarer. P.P.S. (This goes back in time a ways, but Garrett's email reminded me) Dear Emerson Student {Student@WESLEY.IT.EMERSON.EDU}, I am unable to mail you back at the above address...get bent! April 13 Much has passed since last I wrote (kinda poetically phrased, no?). Kentucky lost the BIG game. But I'm over that now. Baseball has started; I've even drafted my rotisserie teams already (rotisserie baseball hab been berry berry good to me - paid for my last 'puter upgrade). I was real happy with my AL team after the draft, fairly down about my NL team. Now I'm thinking they might just both stink. Time will tell. I added a bit to the Stuff I Find Funny, the DDN Response Collection, and I got a new funny link for you - thanks to Hilary for pointing it out. When you get there, you've got to check out the 'Worst analogies ever written in a high school paper'' list. I was especially impressed. Be seeing you. April 27 I was right about my teams the first time. My AL team is doing very well and my NL team is a bottom feeder. But, that's not why I'm here. I'm here (where?) because, thanks to some raving insomniac somewhere, I've made a major revision to the Tiny George Carlin Shrine. Added one entry to the funnies, too. Now, I'm off to play Quake. Later. May 17 I added a few to the funny pages. I apologize for not doing anything else. Spring is here, spring is here. Life is skittles and life is beer.... Supplemental Log: Is this your current ip address? If so, then I guess that's one new thing this time, after all (not that it's particularly useful...). May 26 Many humorous additions to the funnypages, thanks entirely to the Dragonfly. To those of you saying "Huh?" because of the supplemental log above: A friend of mine showed me the code to reflect the IP address of the current visitor. If you're using AOL or somesuch, I don't know what you see there, but it kinda seems to work for us REAL 'netters... (I aint got no attitude, do I?). My 'net provider doesn't give me any kind of stats or anything and if that little doodah works, and I get a lot smarter, maybe I can cook up something that'll log each ip address as it hits, so I can get a feel for what goes on here when I'm gone (oh, you're gone all right...). Or not. For all you aspiring songwriters out there; there's this. And...where I live gots its own website! June 4 As I sat at a redlight while driving home from work today, a child on rollerblades, eating a banana, crossed the road in front of me. Talk about an accident looking for a place to happen... June 16 Flagondry has bestowed more buttons on us. They can be found in the funnies. Thanks, kid. This person was nice enough to put a link to my funnies in his page...thought I'd return the favor here. Folks have pointed me toward some cool goodies on the net lately; ICQ being one of them. Dunce 2.52, Power Toys, and More Properties 2.0 are all great if you use Win95. Especially Dunce. They're all quick easy downloads....well...ICQ takes a while, but it's less than a meg. They're all well worth picking up, in my HO. July 7 Yo. More adds to the funny stuff. From various suppliers. Did I ever tell y'all that Lestat's my cousin? Not Uncle Binky & the Commish; this is another cousin. I got family all over the web. On an unrelated (r d r r) note, I recently overheard my wife pass these words of wisdom on to my younger son; 'Never use your forehead as a tool'. It just struck me as being pretty profound. I mean, my mother never told ME that. And it's damn good advice. And while we're discussing (disgusting?) axioms to live by, here's another that I came up with while watching Voltron with my aforementioned youngun. Some evil superior being was infuriated because a stadium full of slave-type beings were rioting for freedom. His henchmen were searching for a way to settle the masses as they chanted 'We Want Freedom'. A henchman opened his mouth to respond and I supplied the line 'Would you settle for an Oreo?'. It seemed to work. And I've been using it ever since. It fits almost anywhere. Try it. I've already e-mailed the white house, suggesting that Mr. Clinton might find it useful, and asking for nothing in return. 'Cause that's the kind of guy I am. Right now. I could change anytime though. Watch out. See....I'm changing already...starting to sound a little like Ellen, huh? I hate when that happens. Not that I've got anything against Ellen. Or gays in general. Or gay generals.....sorry, can't talk, comin' down. One more thing. I deleted the last entry in the Tirade Response Zone. The TRZ was a pretty active area in my little web-universe until I put in that last one, and suddenly all activity ceased. It wasn't especially anything so I'll put it back if the lack of activity persists. Later. August 6 I guess it's really happened. The thrill is gone. I still think the 'net is major and all, but I'm obviously not as enthralled with it as I once was. Took me just shy of a month to get back this time. I DID get some tirade action, so I put back the entry I temporarily suspended, and then tacked the others below it so we can all just pretend it didn't take four months to get past it. And there's muchos hahas added to the Stuff I Find Funny, mostly thanks again to that goddess of the internally hard-driven, Dragonfly. And her sis. And Cynda. September 13 Friday the 13th came on a Saturday this month. Hey! Here's some advice. If you go to Microsoft and feel compelled to download Explorer 4.02, be REALLY careful when you install it. I wasn't, and it has really changed all kindsa stuff in my 'puter. My desktop is different. Word is different. My menus are different. Etc. Notice I'm using the word 'different', not better. 'Cause it's not. Better, that is. Everything is geared so that you aren't sposta be able to tell the difference when you're on the web or not. Which is not at all a desirable state, as far as I'm concerned. I'd just as soon keep my online separate from my off-line. But, if you plan to have people buying their opsys from you AND paying you to be online, I can see where you'd wanna structure your opsys this way. Anyhow....I'm basically screwed here, since I kinda misplaced my WIN95 CD and my OFFICE CD. Guess I'm gonna be a beta test site for a while. Or maybe I'll keep looking into it and find a way to revert. Who knows (who cares)? You may have noticed me gigging the Dayton Daily News (Ohio) for not having a website. Well, they sorta do now; it's kinda mingled with this. It's a multi-partner thang (all subsidiaries of the same parent company, Cox Interactive Media). I've added another HUGE chunk of dragonfly's humor donations to the Stuff I Find Funny, which by the way, is sucking more bandwidth these days than this page. October 26 I try not to write here when I'm sad and/or depressed, but I got tired of waiting. The Ol' Orb's job is moving to Michigan (Detroit area) next summer, and if the Ol' Orb wants to stay employed, he gots to go too. I was pretty up about it at first; lots of positives to it, but lately I've just been worried about it all. Sadly, the move is not the most depressing aspect of my life these days. A family member is gravely ill. On a much lighter note; The Orb (the website, not me...I'm done talking in the third person for a while) received an honorable mention in the Dayton Daily News on Oct.21. I was somewhat surprised since I trash 'em quite a bit, but as an honorable mention they didn't describe my site at all. And if anyone looked me up (Traffic was up a little for a couple of days... not too much), they'd be impressed by the DDN's impartiality and all (man, I AM cynical). So anyway, I didnt have time to check for it on-line until the next day (got a mail message on the 22nd telling me it would be in the paper the 21st, but, in fairness, it had been sent the evening of the 20th, dunno what took it so long...). Found that it was in the archives, and it would cost me $5.95 or somesuch to see it. So don't bother looking for it online. They sent me an award banner. It looks like this (only the one they sent was 4 times bigger). I'm firing up a new area here, called Dear Orby. I'm hoping to provide a service to netizens everywhere (who can type in a language I comprehend). I plan to answer any message received (as long as it is re-printable per my purely arbitrary standards) and promise to take this at least as seriously as Dave Berry takes his mail. Mr. O'Donnell has a pretty interesting website. Updates from multiple contributors at the funnies, and a couple of posts to the TRZ. November 16 Been real busy. Updated Dear Orby, TRZ, and Funny Stuff. December 15 Updated the same three places as last time. DragnFly sent some great jokes but they were a little too lewd for my joke area. Luv'd 'em though... February 9,1998 It's not that I've been avoiding updating this joint...I've just been trying to pick the color for 98. I'm thinking purple. That ok? Ok. I made minor updates in the usual areas. One entry each, actually. Things is slow. February 13,1998 Ok, ok, ok, I know that 1998 is actually orange here at Orb-o-world. It was just a little humor. By the way, the limbo contest has been postponed indefinitely. And d fly sent us some funnies. March 22,1998 Was that a beautiful thing or what? I'm talking about the UK/Duke game. I've always been a UK fan, and have harbored hostilities towards Duke ever since Laettner stepped on Pelfry's chest in 'The best game ever played'. So I enjoyed it immensely. It was, in fact, a beautiful thing. As I've mentioned before, we are planning a move to Michigan this summer. This is not a whimsical thing (how could you be whimsical about Michigan?), but a company driven request. Well, the same day we actually put our house up for sale, the VP came to Kettering and told us we are for sale. The company. The one that wants me to move. So.... if I seemed less than enthusiastic about it before, well.... Actually, I may be more psyched for moving because of it. My personal chances for survival seem better in the frozen north. On an unrelated note, I hate to do it but i just have to admit that The Dayton Daily News is running a pretty good web thang with their activedayton.com site. They still have creases in the newspaper and all that irritating stuff, but the web offering is much better than I expected. What's new? Oh, some minor additions to the funnies and the TRZ, and John showed me a nice software place. And I'm thinking of moving the Orb to a place called moppov.com. If/when I move to Michigan, I'll hafta relocate this joint anyway, and these folks are willing to host me fer nuthin if they can use my html as a 'How Not To Write HTML' example. I knew all this bad coding and design would pay off some day. March 23,1998 I have it from a very reliable source that Laettner stepped on Timberlake, not Pelfry. That's not how I remember it, but then I'm sorta like Dharma's dad sometimes, but then I'm sorta like Dharma's dad sometimes. I have this fear that when I'm dieing and my life flashes before my eyes, I won't recognize about fifteen years of it at all. Anyway, my bad. Sorry I blew up. Looking for a new ISP? This is a link that Bill Husted (that's right, I'm now getting my material from the DDN) says is worth scoping out. May 15,1998 Ok, ok, ok. I NEVER update anymore. You're absolutely right. Until now. Someday I promise to write a tirade of some sort on what life has been like here in Orbyland the last couple of months. I'm thinking this whole 'apocalypse at the millenium' thing has real merit. It's not just my own life that's in such turmoil either. Those around me are being swept away by gail-force winds of change. Or getting their hair messed up, at least. Hell, even Lestat's last entry has a different sound (not that you can hear it, you understand... it's just an expression). But I'm not up to all that writing just now. I'll just tell ya there are several new entries in the funnypages from Dragnfly and Bink. And even a DDN response. September 8,1998 Hi. I decided I better update this thing before somebody broke Roger Maris's record. Thanks to those of you who expressed concern; I'm ok, just lazy and distracted. I really wanted to capture all the details of moving to Michigan here at the Orb, but I was so busy and each day I didn't made the job bigger, etc., etc. So.. I'm not gonna worry about it anymore. I'll just hit a few points (they aren't exactly HIGH points). People drive a little different up here. Like, in Ohio you don't pull out in front of someone if it would cause them to have to slow down. Up here you don't pull out in front of someone if it would cause them to come to a complete stop; causing them to lock their wheels up and skid flat spots on their tires is ok and will get you a smile and a wave when they pass you on the right a quarter mile down the road - cutting back in front of you with no more than a three inch airgap (any more would be amatuerish). And to some extent, it makes sense. If you waited for an Ohio-sized gap in traffic to pull out, you'd run out of gas before you moved. The speed limit is 70 up here and people abuse it at least as badly as Ohio's 65 is abused. There are signifigantly fewer police on the Interstate; a Michigander told me 'Our police have better things to do than ticket people who are driving a little fast' as he cut in front of a semi at 90 miles an hour and I sat in the passenger seat wondering if I was really awake on a business trip, or just having a nightmare. And just because traffic is bumper to bumper six lanes wide, doesn't mean you can't ALL go 75 or so. On the flip side, when you come up a ramp to the highway, people make a hole for you. In Ohio, it's a state law that everyone gets in the right lane and forms a barricade at all on-ramps. Which brings us to crowds. Apparently, every human born between 1954 and 1996 has moved just north of Detroit. And the 3.2 billion people who already lived there are pissed about it. Some of them are thinking of moving just north of just north of Detroit. Things cost a little more up here, but except for housing, it's not too bad. Except for housing AND insurance, it's not too bad. Except for housing, insurance, AND flooring, it's not too bad. Except for housing, insurance, flooring, AND some foods like steaks, it's not too bad. It's really pretty up here. Large and small lakes are everywhere you turn. Ancient weeping willow trees. Apple orchards. Seagulls. The clouds are high and the sun is bright most of the time. Of course I haven't experienced winter yet.... We live near Pontiac. When we were looking for houses realtors wouldn't show us anything there. They made it sound like it wasn't safe to even cut through. I stayed away at first. Then I started driving through the fringes. It seemed ok on the fringe so I began to penetrate deeper and deeper, looking for the really nasty part, so I'd know where NOT to go. I haven't found it yet. I'm not convinced that ANY of Pontiac is nasty, I'm thinking the realtors stay away from it because it's.. affordable, Nothing else, for now.... I just had a bullet left over I'll try to update some of the other places soon. And such as that... It's too late. About Maris I mean. McGwire just did it as I started to upload this page... I actually heard this, spoken by an un-racy older woman on one of those 'Tool Time' type shows. I don't thnk she intended to be provacative... "And when we come back, we'll screw in these cabinets." September 28,1998 Updated the funnies...further updates to follow this century... November 23,1998 Here's something I've been meaning to ask/say/comment on all year: A lot of people seem to think this guy Puffy Dad is a real talent. Why don't those same people think that Weird Al Yankovich is god? At least old Al's lyrics are occasionally witty. At least they're silly enough to make you laugh sometimes. At least W.A. doesn't seem to take himself (or anything) seriously. You know how people go off to 'find' themselves? I have finally come to grips with myself. I recently realized that I'm a temporarily immortal, giant lesbian midget, trapped in the body of a man. I'm cool with it. To those of you who've sent jokes, Dear Orby's, or Dayton Daily News letters; I got 'em. Thanks. I'll get around to 'em before I have to change the color of the text again, I promise. December 13,1998 If you stick around long enough and your browser supports such things, you'll notice that... ORB'S GOTS MUSIC!!! Get your very own copy here. While I was at it I updated the old familiar places, which for those of you who aren't familiar with the old familiar places, would be...Dear Orby, TRZ, and Funny Stuff. January 6,1999 My father died. He'd been sick for years so it wasn't exactly unexpected. He wasn't always sick though. He was an engineer, poet, technician, author, modelmaker, painter, ace mechanic, inventor, singer, boxer, sculpter, sailor, guitarist, gunner, handsome devil, radioman, junk collecter, and just generally a hell of a guy. Needless to say, he could always fix my toys when they broke; even when my toys were cars and houses. July 11,1999 Updated the TRZ. If you've sent something that didn't get published, I apologize. I've been a little disorganized lately. Send it again if you still have it. Updated the Funny Stuff too. If you sent a joke that didn't get published there, don't bother sending it again. I don't print 'em all. They gotsta tickle me when I read 'em.
Supplemental Log: Is this your current ip address?
On an unrelated (r d r r) note, I recently overheard my wife pass these words of wisdom on to my younger son; 'Never use your forehead as a tool'. It just struck me as being pretty profound. I mean, my mother never told ME that. And it's damn good advice. And while we're discussing (disgusting?) axioms to live by, here's another that I came up with while watching Voltron with my aforementioned youngun. Some evil superior being was infuriated because a stadium full of slave-type beings were rioting for freedom. His henchmen were searching for a way to settle the masses as they chanted 'We Want Freedom'. A henchman opened his mouth to respond and I supplied the line 'Would you settle for an Oreo?'. It seemed to work. And I've been using it ever since. It fits almost anywhere. Try it. I've already e-mailed the white house, suggesting that Mr. Clinton might find it useful, and asking for nothing in return. 'Cause that's the kind of guy I am. Right now. I could change anytime though. Watch out. See....I'm changing already...starting to sound a little like Ellen, huh? I hate when that happens. Not that I've got anything against Ellen. Or gays in general. Or gay generals.....sorry, can't talk, comin' down.
One more thing. I deleted the last entry in the Tirade Response Zone. The TRZ was a pretty active area in my little web-universe until I put in that last one, and suddenly all activity ceased. It wasn't especially anything so I'll put it back if the lack of activity persists. Later.
I DID get some tirade action, so I put back the entry I temporarily suspended, and then tacked the others below it so we can all just pretend it didn't take four months to get past it. And there's muchos hahas added to the Stuff I Find Funny, mostly thanks again to that goddess of the internally hard-driven, Dragonfly. And her sis. And Cynda.
You may have noticed me gigging the Dayton Daily News (Ohio) for not having a website. Well, they sorta do now; it's kinda mingled with this. It's a multi-partner thang (all subsidiaries of the same parent company, Cox Interactive Media).
I've added another HUGE chunk of dragonfly's humor donations to the Stuff I Find Funny, which by the way, is sucking more bandwidth these days than this page.
On a much lighter note; The Orb (the website, not me...I'm done talking in the third person for a while) received an honorable mention in the Dayton Daily News on Oct.21. I was somewhat surprised since I trash 'em quite a bit, but as an honorable mention they didn't describe my site at all. And if anyone looked me up (Traffic was up a little for a couple of days... not too much), they'd be impressed by the DDN's impartiality and all (man, I AM cynical). So anyway, I didnt have time to check for it on-line until the next day (got a mail message on the 22nd telling me it would be in the paper the 21st, but, in fairness, it had been sent the evening of the 20th, dunno what took it so long...). Found that it was in the archives, and it would cost me $5.95 or somesuch to see it. So don't bother looking for it online. They sent me an award banner. It looks like this (only the one they sent was 4 times bigger).
I'm firing up a new area here, called Dear Orby. I'm hoping to provide a service to netizens everywhere (who can type in a language I comprehend). I plan to answer any message received (as long as it is re-printable per my purely arbitrary standards) and promise to take this at least as seriously as Dave Berry takes his mail.
Mr. O'Donnell has a pretty interesting website.
Updates from multiple contributors at the funnies, and a couple of posts to the TRZ.
As I've mentioned before, we are planning a move to Michigan this summer. This is not a whimsical thing (how could you be whimsical about Michigan?), but a company driven request. Well, the same day we actually put our house up for sale, the VP came to Kettering and told us we are for sale. The company. The one that wants me to move. So.... if I seemed less than enthusiastic about it before, well.... Actually, I may be more psyched for moving because of it. My personal chances for survival seem better in the frozen north.
On an unrelated note, I hate to do it but i just have to admit that The Dayton Daily News is running a pretty good web thang with their activedayton.com site. They still have creases in the newspaper and all that irritating stuff, but the web offering is much better than I expected.
What's new? Oh, some minor additions to the funnies and the TRZ, and John showed me a nice software place. And I'm thinking of moving the Orb to a place called moppov.com. If/when I move to Michigan, I'll hafta relocate this joint anyway, and these folks are willing to host me fer nuthin if they can use my html as a 'How Not To Write HTML' example. I knew all this bad coding and design would pay off some day.
Looking for a new ISP? This is a link that Bill Husted (that's right, I'm now getting my material from the DDN) says is worth scoping out.
I really wanted to capture all the details of moving to Michigan here at the Orb, but I was so busy and each day I didn't made the job bigger, etc., etc. So.. I'm not gonna worry about it anymore. I'll just hit a few points (they aren't exactly HIGH points).